AND HOW TO AVOID MAKING THE SAME COMMON MISTAKES
Embarking on a therapeutic journey should be a beacon of hope, but what if it turns into a downward spiral? If you inadvertently place your relationship's fate in the wrong hands, it's not just about halted progress – it's about the potential damage that can be harder to undo than you ever imagined.
“Learn from this story and make sure you do not make the same mistakes”
Contents;
> What the therapist missed with James > The impact on James and Mary > How to chose the right couples therapist
> Couples therapy - A better approach > About the Author > About R.P.T. > Start your therapeutic journey for free
Couples Therapy Exposed: James and Mary
– The Therapist Mistake You MUST Avoid!
I will take you into the archives of my professional case files to unearth the poignant tale of James, a dedicated client of mine, and his wife Mary, who stands outside the periphery of my counsel. Their journey demonstrates a very powerful message: the dire consequences that can happen when you settle for the wrong couples therapist.
This is a lesson in prudence and discernment, highlighting the paramount importance of making an informed choice and avoiding making the same mistakes as James and Mary.
The Husband
The husband, I'll refer to as James (and yes, we always get a thumbs-up from our past clients before sharing their stories, ensuring their real names and details remain confidential for their privacy).
So, who's James? Picture a 32-year-old policeman, passionate about his work, thriving in the camaraderie and deeply connected to his team, it's like a tight-knit family. He's got a decade of service under his belt, and while there's been plenty of high-fives and heartfelt moments, the darker side of his job hasn't escaped him.
Imagine the toughest scenarios you can think of: grisly accidents, unbearable injuries, sudden deaths, and the aftermath of grief. Picture shattered families, innocent children meeting untimely ends, and paradoxically, drunk drivers walking away from accidents that decimated whole families. Heart-wrenching doesn't even begin to cover it. James has even had to attempt CPR on infants and young kids, moments that no one ever truly forgets.
The weight of these experiences culminated in James being diagnosed with P.T.S.D. (post-traumatic stress disorder). Now, before James walked into my office, he had begun his therapeutic journey elsewhere, however, the worldwide havoc caused by Covid put the brakes on his healing process. Still, from an outsider's perspective, James seemed to be holding up. He also believed he had crossed the bridge of his trauma, navigating through the worst of his PTSD.
But when James knocked on my door, it wasn't the impact of trauma he wanted to discuss. He thought he was coming in to chat about a sneaky smoking habit he had developed and his wife’s reactions to it when she discovered his smoking. He wanted to know how to deal with her threats and ultimatums.
James came to me because wanted help to give up the occasional sneaky smoke so it would please his wife, but as we will soon uncover, things aren't always as straightforward as they seem.
The Wife
Mary. Picture this: James and Mary, two peas in a pod, married for a decade with two delightful kids to boot. Their life together? It's the kind of stuff you'd slap on a postcard – heartwarming snapshots of a couple still head over heels for each other, surrounded by the giggles and joys of young kids. To anyone peeking in, they're the very epitome of marital bliss.
Now, here's where things get a tad spicy. Despite the idyllic picture, there's a tiny storm brewing, and they believe it is all related to James' sneaky smoking. But, to put things in perspective: we're not talking about a pack-a-day kind of secret. James would perhaps light up once or twice every 6 months – hardly what one would call a 'habit'.
Yet, Mary's reaction? It was like setting off fireworks in a library. She wasn't just a tad miffed, there were ultimatums, talks of separation, even whispers of divorce. For a smoke or two every blue moon? a touch of annoyance yes, maybe a smidge of mistrust yes, but this?
It seemed Mary's internal radar, her limbic system, was blaring danger sirens at a decibel way higher than the situation warranted. To me, her reaction felt like swatting a fly with a sledgehammer. Was the sneaky smoke the real issue, or was there something deeper lurking beneath? Let's look deeper into the undercurrents of this seemingly "picture-perfect" marriage.
Couples Therapy (and the therapeutic mismatch)
In relationships, there's the part we all see — the cute Instagram pictures and the enviable holiday snaps but out of the public eye, their picturesque marriage was like a pot on a slow boil. James' occasional smoke seemed to light a fuse in Mary, causing an explosion way out of proportion to the act itself. Ironically, this heated reaction only pushed James to increase his covert smoking sessions. The frequency? though still sporadic, the timeline was contracting: now, every 3 months or so.
As Mary's trust in James eroded, they decided to seek the guidance of a couples therapist. When I later asked James about their selection process, his response was illuminating.
“A quick Google search. We found a nearby clinic with a great looking website featuring a great easy booking system. I mean, who wouldn't want a quick, easy, hassle-free booking system when you're deep in marital problems. We didn’t really care who we went with we just had too find someone, anyone”
I was curious so I gave the website a once-over. On the surface? top-notch. It had the gloss of professionalism, the reassurances of a seasoned team, and all the bells and whistles you'd expect from an expert therapeutic hub. I could see why, in their heightened state of distress, they'd jump at the chance for a seemingly perfect fit that will give you the answers and solutions they were desperate for.
But here's the problem: their decision was driven by their internal emotional alarm system rather than a clear, logical thought process and this was a decision that would come back to haunt them.
The repercussions of what happens when an inexperienced but well-intentioned couples therapist doesn't quite hit the mark.
The solutions offered by their couples therapist
Alright, let's look at what went down during James and Mary's brief stint with their couples therapist. To be exact, they had just two visits. The first? A breezy 'how-do-you-do' session. The second? The therapist rolled out the one size fits all advice that really fits no one at all.
Now, you might wonder, "Just two visits? Why so short?" Well, the answer's twofold: the mounting costs and, interestingly, Mary felt content with the therapist's suggestions (red flag No.1).
So, what 2 pieces of advice did this therapist bestow upon our troubled couple?
1. Transparency Overdrive:
The core issue as their therapist viewed it was Mary's dwindling trust in James, which had snowballed from just the sneaky smoking episodes to a broader level of skepticism, it wasn’t just about cigarettes anymore. Now, there were looming doubts about possible affairs, though James firmly dismissed any such insinuations. Their therapist's solution? Turn James into an open book. No secrets, no personal boundaries. Just total transparency. Want to skim through James' texts? Go ahead. Fancy a gander at his emails or pinpoint his exact location? Be Mary's guest. The rationale? If James had nothing to hide, Mary would see it, and supposedly, her anxieties would melt away, rebuilding that crumbled trust.
2. Let's Talk Niceties:
For Mary, the directive was to sprinkle some sugar on her words. The reason? If she dished out her concerns or queries in a gentler, friendlier manner, James wouldn’t feel like he was under the guillotine. Consequently, he'd feel less pressed to sneak off for a stress-relief smoke.
So, that was the deal. James would loosen his grip on personal privacy, and Mary would swap interrogation with cordiality. On paper? Seems like an even trade-off. But as we look deeper, we will discover if this plan really held water or was merely a temporary Band-Aid on a deeper wound.
My first observations
Let's take a step back and dissect this relationship matrix of James, Mary, and their couples therapist.
Mary: Think of her as a force of nature. With her athletic build, stunning looks, and an aura of unwavering confidence, Mary was someone people simultaneously admired and trod lightly around. She was that magnetic personality that drew attention and respect without even trying.
James: The ultimate laid-back guy. With an equally impressive physique and charm, he was the kind who wanted a drama-free life. While Mary was the storm, James was the calm.
At a glance, you'd say Mary was the more dominant in the relationship and James was content letting her take the lead.
The funny thing about most relationships?
"They're often two puzzle pieces fitting together. Each person unconsciously fills a void or need in the other. It's like a subconscious agreement: "I'll complete your missing pieces if you fill in mine." When this symbiotic relationship works, it's magic but throw in change, and the harmony shatters".
Case in point: the sneaky smoking saga. A tiny disruption spiraled into a deep hole of trust issues. As Mary's trust wavered, James, ever the peacemaker, tried adapting to restore their once-perfect balance and in doing so started to ignore his own personal issues.
Observation 1: Neither of them seemed to recognise the subtle shifts they were making in their contributions to the relationship.
Observation 2: Their couples therapist? Let’s say, less dominant than our leading lady, Mary. Imagine a scene where Mary helms the ship of therapy, with the inexperienced couples therapist merely following her cues. If Mary's pleased, it reflects a 'job well done' for the therapist, right? maybe even a testimonial ?
After just a couple of sessions, Mary was on cloud nine, armed with newfound authority and confirmation that all of her trust issues and reactions were completely justified. James? He went with the flow, trying to please Mary, adjusting his sails to restore the equilibrium.
But here's the million-dollar question: Did this 'adjustment' solve their core issue? Did James say goodbye to his sneaky smokes? Was trust restored ? Was the relationship back on track ?
In one word: NO.
So, where did the therapist's roadmap go awry?
Observation 3: Let's use an analogy here. Imagine someone teetering at the edge of a cliff. A therapist's job should ideally be to keep that individual from plummeting, not just patching them up after the fall. In the case of James and Mary, the therapist's strategy seemed to be focused squarely at the bottom, waiting for the inevitable fall.
Sure, it might sound a tad dramatic, but stick with me.
Addressing the aftermath and not the root cause is like offering a tiny band-aid for a gaping wound that needs many stitches.
For Mary, the coping strategies handed to her was like a shiny new toolkit, emboldening her further. But here's the catch: instead of addressing the underlying issues, it only amplified them, it made them worse.
And James? He seemed like an afterthought in this entire equation, lost in the shadows of Mary's overpowering dominant personality.
Let's go deeper;
By focusing on giving Mary a sense of authority and control, their couples therapist unintentionally sidestepped the true essence of the problem.
“It was like helping a child by giving it candy without understanding the real reason behind the child's tantrum”.
So I ask again, where did the therapist's roadmap go awry? what's the crux of the issue with Mary that the therapist overlooked? What are the reasons for James' sneaky smokes ?
How did their couples therapist get it all so wrong, what did they miss ? And why did the therapist make so many errors ?
What the therapist missed with Mary
Clients often assume therapists can magically work out all underlying issues in just a few sessions. However, the depth of an individual’s experiences and emotions can sometimes elude even the sharpest and most experienced therapists and certainly those of the inexperienced.
Missed Point 1: Mary experienced an extremely turbulent childhood. Childhood years, as most therapists will affirm, are instrumental in moulding our personalities, beliefs, and self-worth. Picture a child's brain like a sponge—always in 'Theta' mode—absorbing every detail, emotion and event, helping them decipher the safe from the unsafe. But herein lies the dilemma: how does one's past traumas translate into their adult reactions?
Mary’s strong exterior, for instance, might very well be a protective shield, a fortress she built against potential emotional ambushes. Underneath, she may still be the vulnerable child craving protection, connection and support.
Missed Point 2: Before James came into the picture, Mary had her heart shattered by a former fiancé. Infidelity, betrayal, and the added pain of contracting sexually transmitted diseases tainted her past relationships. For someone who’s constantly been on a subconscious quest for stability, this betrayal cut deep. Every new relationship for Mary became a frantic search for the love and security she missed in her younger days.
Missed Point 3: Mary's jealousy—particularly towards James’ female colleagues in the police force. The camaraderie shared among servicemen and women is a known norm, given the nature of their job. But for Mary, every interaction was a potential threat—a flashback to the pain of past rejections. Hence, her reactions, albeit disproportionate, were her defense mechanisms kicking in. And James, probably unaware of the depth of Mary's traumas, tried to appease her by severing ties with his female colleagues. Both of them were steering their relationship on autopilot, driven by subconscious fears rather than conscious choices, and James? he was feeding the empowering the endless fear of Mary's inner alarms bell settings by complying with Mary's instructions, confirming, compounding and magnifying the direction her emotional fear based actions wanted to take her in.
Missed Point 4: Lastly, Mary's strong reaction to James' occasional smoking sessions might seem baffling. But considering her life narrative, it’s another symbol of a deeper mistrust, yet another area overlooked.
The biggest red flag and also the easiest flag to spot was the death of the only person Mary ever trusted or connected with during her childhood years, her Grandmother. And what did her grandmother die from you ask ? Yes, you guessed it; lung cancer was most likely caused from her 1 pack a day smoking habit that spanned her entire life.
Mary was desperate to connect, her past was filled with trauma from a young age that followed her into adulthood. She finally finds a level of peace and happiness with James, she catches James having the odd smoke once or twice every 6 months, her inner alarm bell settings go into overdrive, the reactions are completely disproportionate to the actual event (a sneaky smoke), but are completely understandable when you realise where these reactions are being generated from and why.
“Remember, all of a persons immediate reactions are subconscious, no thought is required, actions are taken immediately to ensure survival. If I slap you, you will react with a blocking arm and ducking your head, if a car suddenly appears from nowhere you immediately jump out of the way, these are all immediate reactions to ensure safety, there is no time to think and consider, that process is far too slow so your inner alarm systems takes control over you and you react.
For Mary, her survival was based on preserving the connection to safety and security via James. Her inner alarm system had understood that smoking was dangerous, it would cause the death of James and she would be alone. Her inner alarm system reacted, it took over her body and did what it needed to do to ensure James would not smoke or if he did she would not be there to suffer the pain of another death.
The rational part of Marys mind, the logical mind that’s wants to understand and create order was desperate to understand what was going on. It came up with the trust issue as a way to justify her emotions, feelings, actions and behaviours, to give the situation order and understanding. Her conscious mind and sub conscious mind were now working together to achieve there same result, both ultimately trying to preserve the safety of Mary but both with minds combining like this it created a situation where her worst fears, that of separation, rejection and abandonment would eventually be realised. Her defence system was actually responsible for driving them apart, the exact opposite to what she was wanting to achieve”.
In essence, while couples therapy can offer great insights, the devil often lies in the details—details that make every individual's journey unique, details it would seem, this couples therapist has missed completely.
So, what was missed for James ?
What the therapist missed with James
When it comes to dissecting the intricacies of relationships, it's not always about dramatic unveilings. Sometimes, it's the soft whispers of past traumas or seemingly insignificant habits that hold the key. Let’s look into James’ side of the story, where there are a couple of glaring omissions the therapist seems to have overlooked.
Missed Point 1: James had what most would describe as an idyllic childhood - one filled with love, nurturing, and the kind of stability that forms a rock-solid foundation for a person's life.
James, though outwardly laid-back, held deep scars from his time in the police force - scars created P.T.S.D. (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Now, while this was mentioned in passing to their couples therapist, its profound significance wasn’t looked into. Remember, just because someone doesn’t shout about their pain, it doesn’t mean it's not there.
Therapists need to probe a little deeper, to unearth these hidden wounds.
A critical detail missed was that James' therapeutic journey through P.T.S.D. was abruptly cut short due to the pandemic. The therapist mistakenly believed James had sailed past his struggles with P.T.S.D., when in reality, the ship was still stuck in stormy waters.
Missed Point 2: Now, let's talk about James' "sneaky smoke".
What might seem like a random act to an outsider was actually a lifeline for James.
Why? Because each puff transported him back to his younger days - a time of joy, camaraderie, and simpler pleasures. Smoking was James’ way of anchoring himself to a safe haven from his traumatic memories and feelings of losing control that were created through P.T.S.D. and then rekindled by the overreactions of Mary's behaviours.
The act wasn’t about the nicotine; it was a subconscious escape to a time when life felt more in balance and he had more control.
The real concern arose when these “smoke breaks” became frequent. Why the sudden increase? Well, every time Mary reacted to James' smoking or Mary's expanded view of mistrust in James came to the surface, it only aggravated his feelings of being adrift and increased the negative consequences of his unresolved P.T.S.D. It's like a domino effect: Mary's deep-rooted abandonment fears flared up at the mere sight of James smoking or doing anything she did not trust, and this, in turn, intensified James’ need for his emotional pacifier, his smoking.
In essence, what therapists often need to realise is that every act, every reaction, has layers of stories and emotions behind it. Unraveling these layers is crucial to truly understanding and healing an individual or relationship.
The couples therapists impact on James and Mary ?
Thanks to the guidance of the couples therapist, James and Mary finally find a brief, fleeting moment of peace in their relationship. The constant internal bickering takes a back seat as they both recalibrate their positions. Mary adopts a more dominant role, while James seems content to step back. For a while, it looks like they might've cracked the code to relationship harmony.
But here's the thing: they're merely putting a decorative band-aid on a festering wound. By ignoring the profound issues at play, they're risking an even greater rupture down the line. It's like painting over a crack in the wall without fixing the foundation
Since the two sessions James and Mary had with their couples therapist, I have been privileged to work with James on his own, diving deep into the aftermath of his P.T.S.D. For James, his healing doesn't just involve addressing past traumas. It's about rewiring his limbic system, the part of our brains that react to emotional stimuli. The good news is that James's path to recovery is completely within his sights. It demands time and effort, sure, but the results? Totally worth it.
The silver lining here for James is his budding self-awareness. As he becomes more in tune with his own mind, he'll start understanding the intricacies of others, including Mary's. However, this shift comes with its own set of challenges. As James grows more "awake," Mary, seemingly lost in her quest for dominance, may drift further into her unresolved issues of rejection, abandonment, and trust.
This stark contrast in their journeys could potentially create a chasm between them. James, with his newfound knowledge of the human mind, might find himself in a world where he's in control of his emotions and actions. Meanwhile, Mary could remain trapped in her internal battles, oblivious to the roots of her distress.
By following a very basic one size fits all (but no-one really) approach to helping James and Mary, the couples therapist missed a golden opportunity not just to guide James and Mary towards individual healing, but to also help them deliberate on their shared journey's direction.
“In the grand scheme of things, understanding oneself is crucial. Yet, understanding how two minds intertwine in a relationship is an art, an opportunity the therapist could have harnessed for James and Mary's betterment but sadly missed".
Decoding the James and Mary Saga: Choosing the Right Couples Therapist
For James and Mary, their journey with couples therapy had its highs and lows, and it brings us to a very pivotal question: How crucial is it to select the right therapist?
Here's what we can learn from their experience:
Due Diligence is Key: We all turn to experts for guidance, especially when it comes to something as intricate as relationships. But how thorough are we in ensuring that the expert is, well, truly an expert? Did James and Mary deep-dive into their therapist’s credentials? You'd be surprised how often this step is overlooked!
The Illusion of Expertise: I did a bit of snooping myself. While I initially found the therapist’s website quite impressive, digging deeper revealed a lack of specialised experience. Here’s the red flag: they portrayed expertise in a vast array of areas—so many that I lost track! Their credentials? An online general coaching certificate. Their prior experience? A business coach. This disconnect raises eyebrows, doesn't it?
Professional Responsibility: Everyone starts somewhere—fair enough. But as therapists, there's a moral and professional duty to represent expertise honestly. Portraying oneself as an expert-of-all-trades isn't just misleading; it can be detrimental to clients seeking specialised guidance.
Client’s Homework: Just as we wouldn’t trust any handyman with major home repairs, or invest our savings in a 'too-good-to-be-true' scheme, the same discernment should be applied when choosing a therapist. I get it—when in distress, we often cling to the nearest lifeline. But if possible, take a step back, ask some hard questions and peek beneath the surface of that polished website.
Tech Isn’t Everything: An efficient online booking system might seem tempting (who doesn’t love convenience?), but it shouldn't be the deciding factor. It's like choosing a restaurant solely based on its reservation system and not the quality of the food!
In wrapping up, I urge you to remember that the therapist plays a pivotal role in the therapeutic journey. Don't rush it. Do your homework and ensure you're aligning yourself with someone truly qualified. Your well-being is worth that extra effort!
Couples therapy : A better approach
This is the subject of our next blog in this mini series of blog posts relating to relationships and couples therapy.
Understanding the pitfalls and knowing what to look out for in a therapist is vital but is only half of the equation, following the correct therapeutic modality and structure for high quality couples therapy is the other half.
Click here to read our blog on how quality couples therapy should in our view be conducted; www.simonlawtherapy.com
About the author
Simon Law is the founder of Simon Law Therapy and the creator of R.P.T. - Reprogram Therapy. Simon is a therapist and hypnotherapist and works with a variety of therapeutic modalities including R.P.T. / NLP / CBT / RTT / Hypnotherapy and many more.
Simon has personal experience suffering with mental health issues as a patient before finding his own pathway to freedom from lifelong struggles. He is now a therapist, educator, and public speaker and carries out workshops and talks to help as many people as he can reach.
You can read more about his travels around the world, his experiences with many different societies and cultures and the mental health and therapeutic journey he has taken by clicking here.
About R.P.T.
R.P.T. can be described as "root cause therapy" or "cause-based therapy". It is a form of therapy that aims to identify and address the underlying causes of mental health issues, rather than just treating the symptoms. This approach recognizes that many mental health issues are the result of deeper emotional or psychological issues, and seeks to address these issues in a holistic way. By dealing with the root of the problem and fixing the program of mental health, you'll be on your way to a healthier, happier life.
Read more about how this powerful therapeutic modality can help you right now by clicking here;
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"We do not charge by the hour, we do not have set a 50 minute session time, sessions run for as long as they need to, we work in person and we work online, we do what we can to help you gain access to high quality therapy".
The therapy we offer generally follows a 5 stage program of work but once signed up to any one of the 5 stages we then give access to stage 1 for free.
This is at least $360 worth of direct 1 on 1 therapy that we give to you for free.
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Make contact with us right now and we can arrange for you to start your therapeutic journey; https://www.simonlawtherapy.com/contact This Post Covers the Do and Don't When Choosing Couples Therapy.